My Resume

Rey Flowers
123 Fake ST
El Mundo, WA *0092

T 123 456 7890

Fake@email.com

Profile
I am a communist who enjoy democracy. I am also a nudist who loves to shop for suspenders. I am not opposed working underwater and am fluent in "Mermish" official language of the mermaid country Finland. I am close personal friends Jimmy Dean, Johnny Walker and that Glove from Hamburger Helper. I also have played in a band with Mr. Clean and the Scrubbing Bubbles so I have much experience in race relations. And last summer I learned that banana slugs do not in fact taste like bananas.

Prior Work
Senior Breast Inspector for Southwest Airlines El Paso TX— 2005 - 2007
Was placed in charge of specific cavity searches involving elderly women

Roadie for “Alaskan Buffalo Oysters” — Summer of 2008
No Fat Chicks Bouncer - Ensured that no fat chicks were allowed within 15 feet of head singer Joseph Malindger

Weight Watcher advisor Albany TX— 2004-2005
Insulted overweight people till they became bulimic and/or anorexic.

Alcoholics Anonymous Recruiter — 2008-2009
Waited outside of bars for drunk people knocked them out and placed their body in a bed with a homeless man regardless of gender. Upon waking up they would be convinced that they hit rock bottem and would head into the twelve step program. Was done Probono.... like Batman

Negative Optimists Association Public Relations Associate — 2010
Working Project - Thumbs up Across Texas (Bringing Positive Energy to Pessimists)

Education
University of Smart Ass, El Paso Texas — Fat Mamma Physics 2009

Skills

• Good Work Ethic (Does not drink 80 proof alcohol before noon)
• Agreeable Attitude (Refrains from swearing in front of children under 11)
• Understands 90% of what you say 80% of the time.
• Internet Skills (Able to find specific pornography within 5 min of searching)
• Quick learner ( Only has to be struck twice in the head in order to learn)
• Team Player (Will make a kicks ass Captain for Ultimate Frisbee)
• Makes the most wonderful eggs (...Ladies)
• I know funn facts ( Didja know that Canada is America’s Hat and Mexico is America’s boot.)