Sunday, July 17, 2011

If There Were No Traffic Lights, what would happen?


Crackheads who once stood on the sidewalks of America watching traffic lights sway in the wind would now walk into oncoming traffic mesmerized by car headlights causing hundreds of accidents and sending thousand of people to the emergency room. Hospitals would be overrun with the dead and dying and the increased energy usage from that would quickly lead to city wide power outages where the giant sudden embrace of darkness would give way to massive looting of businesses, raping of men and women, arson, murder, brawls, and hate crimes. Ambulances, police cars, and other emergency vehicles would all rush toward these disturbances only to crash into more crackheads and cars. With no help coming from the fire brigade the various fires throughout the streets would grow and engulf the city. Neighborhoods become blistering infernos of hell as the people who have up till now avoided the various disasters make a mad dash for the river, but then an earthquake surges through the town causing fiery buildings to fall and then an oil vein bursts beneath the river causing a flood of oil and water. People are pushed down by the sudden flood as the oil floats to the top. Those who were not knocked unconscious by the force of the water swim to the surface for air only to discover that it has been set ablaze by the buildings. Those who's face sdo not melt from the heat are forced to drown themselves. At The Nuclear Power Plant, Nuclear Scientists, still trying to fix the reactor which was damaged by the earthquake, don't see the sea of flames rush towards them and are killed instantly when the flames cause the reactor to explode killing everyone within a 15 mile radius and irradiating the water which flows down and contaminates much of Americas other water sources causing widespread disease and birth defects for many generations.

Monday, June 20, 2011

People who it should be okay to punch in the face.


~People who make Binary Jokes

~People who refuse to capitalize the letter "I"

~Olivia Munn

~People who tell me I can find what I'm
looking for at ebay

~Over weight men in their thirties who still
refer to other guys as "bro(s)"

~Overzealous Atheists

~Assholes

~Most of the "Real House Wives"

~Jesus "Phreaks"

~Juggalos

~Anyone who drives a hot pink cars

~BIll O'Reilly

~Men who use the phrase "Knee deep in
Pussy"

~Old Racists

~Acquaintances who don't say hello despite
the fact that they've spent twenty minutes
talking to your friend, who you are right next
to, and you know they've fucking met you at
least 7 GOD DAMN times!!!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

My Resume



Rey Flowers
123 Fake ST
El Mundo, WA *0092

T 123 456 7890

Fake@email.com

Profile
I am a communist who enjoy democracy. I am also a nudist who loves to shop for suspenders. I am not opposed working underwater and am fluent in "Mermish" official language of the mermaid country Finland. I am close personal friends Jimmy Dean, Johnny Walker and that Glove from Hamburger Helper. I also have played in a band with Mr. Clean and the Scrubbing Bubbles so I have much experience in race relations. And last summer I learned that banana slugs do not in fact taste like bananas.

Prior Work

Senior Breast Inspector for Southwest Airlines El Paso TX— 2005 - 2007
Was placed in charge of specific cavity searches involving elderly women

Roadie for “Alaskan Buffalo Oysters” — Summer of 2008
No Fat Chicks Bouncer - Ensured that no fat chicks were allowed within 15 feet of head singer Joseph Malindger

Weight Watcher advisor Albany TX— 2004-2005
Insulted overweight people till they became bulimic and/or anorexic.

Alcoholics Anonymous Recruiter — 2008-2009
Waited outside of bars for drunk people knocked them out and placed their body in a bed with a homeless man regardless of gender. Upon waking up they would be convinced that they hit rock bottem and would head into the twelve step program. Was done Probono.... like Batman

Negative Optimists Association Public Relations Associate — 2010
Working Project - Thumbs up Across Texas (Bringing Positive Energy to Pessimists)

Education
University of Smart Ass, El Paso Texas — Fat Mamma Physics 2009

Skills
  • Good Work Ethic (Does not drink 80 proof alcohol before noon)
  • Agreeable Attitude (Refrains from swearing in front of children under 11)
  • Understands 90% of what you say 80% of the time.
  • Internet Skills (Able to find specific pornography within 5 min of searching)
  • Quick learner ( Only has to be struck twice in the head in order to learn)
  • Team Player (Will make a kicks ass Captain for Ultimate Frisbee)
  • Makes the most wonderful eggs (...Ladies)
  • I know funn facts ( Didja know that Canada is America’s Hat and Mexico is America’s boot.)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Non-Sequiters Vol. 1 : CHATEAU DE MINUIT


* CALM LIKE A BOMB * DRUNK CACTUS * PRICKLY PEAR * THE FRENCH RULE * B-SIDE FRENCH SUCKS!!! * KIDDZ BE FRIENDLY * JAZZ MAMMOTH * CALM LIKE A FUNKIN’ BOMB * YUM YUM BOMB * CHATEAU DE MINUIT * OX CAR * LOBSTAR DIFFICULTY * BIGG WIG SHRIMP * ASS KICKIN’ MUSIC * EFF OFF! * DON’T KILL THIS GUY * CALM LIKE A BON BON * FUNK NUGGET * ANTHRAX HERO * AUDIOPHILE * AUDIO PILOT * CAN CAN CANDYZ * AUDIO PIRATE * KILLA SHRIMP * HAPPILLS * DO NOT LICK * AUDIO FEED * HEADPHONEZ JUNKIE * CARBUNCLE BLUE * AFRO SOUL * BON KILA * KILLA CIGGY * PATHOLOGICAL FALLACY OF THE MIND * BRAIN SUCKIN’ MUNKEYS * SPARKLING SOUR STARZ * FORTY OZ OF LUV * FAILED CONCEPTION * NOW THE EGGS ARE IN THE SCRAMBLE * HELL FONE RING TONE * AFFRO LUVIN’ * ARMS SO TANGIBLE WITH AN OX * LOCKE BOX * ROANOKE MILLZ * RETRO STILLZ * SCARF BOXER * MUCK NEEDLE * W/ LETTUCE * OPEN FONE * PINKY OUT * BIOFUEL HEAD * TERMINAL PIKE * PLEASURE BOXXX * BROOM SHROOM * CEREAL TUBEZ * OF PEACHES AND PITTZ * ANT PIT * POISON SUNFLOWER * TOURNESOL DE POISON * STOPPING TO REFILL KINGZ OF REBELZ * DON’T BE RUDE, PINKY OUT!!! * JESUS CHRIST IS IN HEAVEN * FEED YOUR HEAD BUT DON’T EAT BRAINS * DONUT VS DOUGHNUT * CACTUS BOMB * ALE AN’ WHORES!!! * AVIATION AERONAUTICS * HELLO MR FREEMAN * CASPIAN BUFFALO * CANDLE JACK * BON BON SLAUGHTER * GOOO~~~~D AFFFTERNOON MIIIISTER FREEMAN * HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! BONNE * ILLEGALLY ONION * MORE CAPS!!! *

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Hate Cookies™


Take a cookie please,
Take one Take two Take three,
Lord Knows I’ve baked enough.
They Good?
I Know they’re good, I baked them,
Warm and Gooey,
Soft and Chewy,
The peanut butter, the chips of chocolate, the pecans and the oats,
All wonderfully delicious.
Love?
Oh no, I didn’t make them with love.
Wait, I guess you must be confused,
See... these are Hate Cookies™.
I spit in the batter,
Sneezed on the sheet, and
Coughed into the basket,
These cookies are in the hopes of you dying,
Eat up!

Monday, January 4, 2010

On Drug Testing in the workplace



I’ve never been much a fan for drug testing. But as part of a new shitty little job I gotta test and piss in a cup. I got nothing to hide, my piss might as well be spring water for all that is known, but I still despise it. I always get people, usually named Jimmy, telling me “Well, if you’ve got nothing to hide, why are you so afraid of a Drug Test?”. Well Jimmy, I’ll tell you, but first let me present you with a little scenario.
You’re at the airport, just another guy waiting through the security. So you go through the metal detector and it goes off, so they direct you to a little room while they rummage through your things. And hour goes by and, of course, they find nothing but they still suspect you of carrying something. A big hairy guy comes in and says “I’m sure this will sound strange, but I assure you that this is all routine. Now then, we’re gonna have to do a cavity search.” You know what that means, they’re gonna probe your butt-hole. Are you gonna let them give you butt hole a thorough rub down with a latex glove? You don’t have anything to hide, so what are you afraid of Jimmy?!?!
The answer of course is no, you’re not going to give a strange man permission to excavate your ass (at least I hope most of you wouldn’t). You’d go about raving about the rights of your bunghole. And how every bunghole deserves proper treatment in the line of duty. Perhaps I’m being too tangential, the point is mandatory drug tests in everyday workplaces are an infringement on your privacy... and so is unwanted bunghole inspection.